Tag: Quality Questions

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Disarming your trigger

​Last week we wrote:

We all have times when we get “triggered”.

Our higher cognitive functions go offline and we react from a place of hurt. In this mode, we often say and do things that we later regret.

And we asked you, what happens in your body when you get triggered?

Learning to identify the signals in your body that indicate you have been triggered is the first step to improving your response.

The next step is to create some space between the trigger and your reaction.

What can you do to help regulate your state when you get triggered?

It could be something as simple as taking a deep breath before responding. Or going outside.

Perhaps this is where a meditation or a mantra can help you. Or journaling what you’re feeling in that moment.

Finally, ask yourself: Why are you getting triggered?

Is there a pattern to the scenarios that trigger you? Look deeper and try to find the root cause. What about those scenarios is triggering?

Does it happen when you feel like you’re being judged? When someone pokes an insecurity or past trauma? Is it related to some stress you’re feeling (about money, your relationship, something else)?

Quality Questions make it easy to apply the key lessons from the best self improvement books and talks to your life.

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Pulling your trigger

We may not like to admit it, but we all have times when we react badly.

Someone, maybe even a loved one, says or does something that “triggers” us. Our higher cognitive functions go offline and we react from a place of hurt. In this mode, we often say and do things that we later regret.

We can’t control what other people say and do to us, but we can learn to improve our reactions. These Quality Questions will help you do that.

To start, think about a time when you were triggered, and see if you can remember what you felt in your body and how you reacted.

What happens in your body when you get triggered?

  • Does your heart start beating faster?
  • Do you feel tightness in your throat or chest?
  • Do you start to raise your voice?

What happens next?

  • Do you attack the other person?
  • Do you become defensive?
  • Do you make snarky, passive-aggressive comments?
  • Or maybe you disengage and run away?

Becoming more aware and learning to identify the signals in your body that indicate you have been triggered is the first step to improving your response.

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Living at the edge

We’ve spent the last few weeks asking questions to help you explore the edges of your comfort zone in your work, your love life, and your spiritual path.

These are difficult questions.

Answering these questions forces us to admit that we have fears, and that our fears are holding us back from being and achieving all that we desire.

If you missed or shied away from any of the three questions, take a few minutes now to go back and answer it.

You can also ask a friend to help you. Close friends can often see the fears that we don’t let ourselves see.

Now that you’ve spent some time with these questions, pick one area and ask yourself:

What is one thing I can focus on for the next month to play at my edge?

Playing at the edge of our ability and comfort evokes a feeling of flow and helps us gain a sense of meaning and satisfaction in life.

The goal is not to get anywhere in particular (we will always have an edge we are unwilling to cross), but to recognize that the most satisfying way to live life is to constantly play with your edge and express the best version of yourself you can in the world.

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A deeper sense of meaning

This week we’re continuing the series on finding the edges of your comfort zone.

We already explored our fears around our work and relationships. Today let’s look at how our fears affect our spiritual life.

Whatever their religious affiliation, including ‘none at all’, most people agree they would like to be better connected to a deeper sense of meaning and purpose in the world.

This week’s question is designed to help you do that. Ask yourself:

What stops you from leading a deeper spiritual life?

Go beyond surface level excuses like, “I go to church already so I’m fine”, “I’m too busy for this woo woo stuff” and “I don’t like organized religion.”

What are your inner blocks to a more spiritual life?

Are you afraid of ‘being a fool’ and believing something that isn’t true?

Do you gain status by being viewed as practical and rational?

Are you worried that if you followed a path of meaning you would lose out on the more concrete things the material world is offering you?

Find what feels true for you. Don’t try to change anything now, just bring awareness to what is really going on.

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Fearless in Love

Last week we began a new series, finding the edge of your comfort zone.

We started by exploring what your work would look like if it weren’t constrained by fear.

This week, let’s apply the same principle to your relationships.

If you were truly fearless, what kind of relationship would you be in?

Would it be a relationship with more passion and sex?

Would it be a relationship with someone who is more successful and inspiring — someone who pushes you further in the direction you want to go?

The purpose of this exercise is not just to imagine some fictional person who could fulfill all of your fantasies…

Instead the purpose is to help you think about: what it is that you are afraid to ask for from your current or prospective partner. And what it is in you that makes you afraid.

For example, do you feel guilty or unworthy when someone is too kind and compassionate?

Do you have insecurities around your sexual prowess?

Is there a fear that allowing your partner to grow might make them grow apart from you?

These are not easy questions to wrestle with, but know that everyone has these kind of fears.

There is nothing wrong with you for having them! And knowing yourself via honest reflection is the key to growing beyond where you are today.

Take some time now to reflect on what insecurities are holding you back from being the kind of person who has the relationship you are looking for.

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Finding the Edge of Your Comfort Zone

You’ve probably heard the saying, “life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

But how are we supposed to find the edges of our comfort zones so that we can push past them?

That’s what we’re going to focus on for the next few weeks of Quality Questions, starting right now.

The first thing you should know is that the fence around your comfort zone is fear.

It’s also helpful to recognize that you probably don’t have one single comfort zone. Instead, you have varying levels of comfort in different areas of life (relationships, work, spirituality, etc).

Let’s start with work. Ask yourself:

If you were truly fearless, what would you be doing to make a living?

What if you knew that you couldn’t fail?

And you weren’t worried about what anyone else would say.

Imagine if you could wave a magic wand and instantly change your reality.

What would you do then?

Think deeply about a means of making money that would make you feel fully alive.

Maybe your career would be more creative?

Perhaps you would commit to a global cause that you care about?

Maybe you would finally start the company you’ve been dreaming of?

Write down what a career without fear looks like and use that as a guide to the direction you should lean in your future choices.

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Overcoming Imposter Syndrome

Most of us spend huge amounts of time and energy worrying about the areas where our knowledge, skills, and abilities are lacking.

We look at a job ad and our eyes jump straight to the part of the job description that we don’t know how to do.

We’re acutely aware of the various ways we don’t measure up to some ideal — in our personal, social, and professional lives.

As a result, we live in a state of perpetual imposter syndrome. Always feeling like we’re not quite measuring up, because there is some aspect of life that we haven’t yet mastered.

In doing so, we often overlook our own growth. We forget all the things we have learned and the ways we have progressed.

This week’s question is a way for you to break that cycle.

Ask yourself: What used to be hard for me, but now is easy?

Think about your work, as well as your personal life — relationships, social situations, habits, health, etc. and make a list.

What skills have you mastered, obstacles overcome, or confidence have you attained?

Give yourself credit for all that you have already learned and done. 🎉

Then carry that feeling forward — there will always be new things to learn and try for the first time, but you should feel confident, because you’ve mastered new skills before.

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Begin Again

It’s that time of year…

The middle of February.

Which means that, if you’re like most people, your New Year’s resolutions are fading out of sight in the rearview mirror as you go back to life as usual.

We’ve all experienced this at one time or another.

You start a new habit like going to the gym, eating healthy, or writing 200 words per day. And then, something happens.

You slip. You miss a day, maybe two. You start to lose faith.

And then that little voice in your head starts talking:

“I failed again. I’m never gonna be able to do this.”

Maybe you even give up on the thing you know you should be doing.

Whenever this happens, just ask yourself:

How can I begin again?

That simple question can unlock many new paths, for example…

You can begin again with a simpler habit (try 1 minute of meditation instead of 10).

You can begin again by letting go of self-judgment (forgive yourself and just start writing again).

You can begin again by reminding yourself why you set this goal in the first place. Write a list of why this habit or goal matters and post it on the wall.

You can begin again by taking a lesson from your first attempt and applying it to your next attempt (going forward, I’ll have a friend meet me at the gym so we can keep each other accountable).

Don’t wait for another new year.

Every day you get the opportunity to begin again.

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The Obstacle is the Way

Sometimes the thing that we think is preventing us from achieving our goal is actually the key to our success.

This simple, counter-intuitive principle is the core idea of Ryan Holiday’s best-selling book, The Obstacle is the Way.

Here’s how you can apply that lesson in your own life:

First, think of some area of life where you’re struggling to find a way forward, and ask yourself:
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​What’s the obstacle in my way, and how can I use it to my advantage?

Here’s one famous example of someone turning a weakness into a gold medal:

As a student, Dick Fosbury struggled to even qualify to compete in the high jump. His obstacle? Fosbury couldn’t quite master complicated “straddle” technique that athletes used to get over the bar.

Fosbury experimented with other, less popular techniques for getting over the bar that required less coordination. He ended up inventing his own technique, which he used to shatter his school’s high jump record, win an NCAA championship, and take home gold 🥇at the 1968 Olympics.

The Fosbury Flop technique is used by most high jumpers today.

​The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.

The Obstacle is the Way
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How Tim Ferriss Deals with Fear

Last week we sent a Quality Question about using fear to help us identify our most meaningful goals.

But even after learning to “lean in” when we feel fear, sometimes our fears can still sabotage our attempts to achieve our goals.

To combat this we’re going to do something Tim Ferriss calls Fear Setting.

Think about one of your goals that scares you and ask yourself: What am I worried about if I try this?

Write down any fears that come to mind, no matter how big, small, or crazy they might seem. The objective is to get them all out of your head and into writing. Don’t hold back.

Do this now.

For example, say my goal is to save $5,000 towards retirement this year, but I’m afraid that the stock market could crash any day, so I never take action and start saving.

Next, look at the first fear you just wrote and answer the following questions:

How likely is it that this will happen and what would be the impact if it did?

Continuing the example: The worst U.S. stock market crash was on “Black Monday” in 1987. The market went down 23% in a single day. That could happen again. But losing 23% is not the same as the market going to zero, which is probably not going to happen. A worst-case scenario might be that the market suddenly loses 50% of its value. And this is pretty unlikely.

What could you do to prevent this or make it less likely to happen?

I can’t control the stock market, but I could reduce the impact of a crash on me by spreading out my investments (some stocks, some bonds, etc). I could also make sure that I don’t invest money that I need immediately (keep a 3 month cash reserve) so I can absorb the shock if I need to.

How could you repair the situation if it did happen?

If the market did crash and I lost some of my savings, the best thing would probably be to do nothing, just keep saving and investing since it will eventually bounce back. Maybe a crash would even be a good opportunity to invest more.

Start by answering these questions for at least one of the fears on your list now. This activity takes a bit more time, so if you need to, schedule time later to come back and answer these questions for the rest of the fears on your list.